Thoughts on Love

I'm reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  As I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep I was struck with how small our concept of love is compared to God's love.  We really can't even love, we're too selfish, too sinful. The only way we can truly love sacrificially and prefer others is through Christ.  I love Doug and I love my kids, but I'm still selfish. I still grumble about them being messy and me having to pick up after them. Or I complain about never getting a break. If I truly loved like God loves I would find joy in serving them and want to do more and be more for them. 
 
In a sense, the only love we know, in our flesh, is a self serving kind. We love because we want to be loved and we want others to share experiences with.  I'm so self centered and it makes me sick to think about.  To truly love others and be a blessing, we must first love God, passionately, completely, and with reckless abandon.  When we love him, He enables us to love the way He loves.  It's all in our relationship with our father God. 

What's the first thing you do in the morning, or before you fall asleep at night?  When you're going about your day, how often do you think of God and wish you could spend more time with him? When was the last time you lost track of time talking to him?  I'm challenging my own thinking, how can I love him more, how can I stick close by his side.  I'm starting with prayer.  I know that I've failed, so many times, but I also know he is faithful and he will never stop wanting me around.  We can get to know this God we claim to love by reading his word, by allowing the holy spirit to move and work in our lives.

While we've been going through some choppy waters lately, I've clung to God in a new way.  And I have nothing but good things to say about how faithful and good He is. You know what's crazy, I have done nothing to deserve it.  I'm reminded of so many scriptures and songs about how we are..."prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave this God I love..." or "no one seeks God, we all have gone astray" 

We are so unfaithful, so easily swayed by the winds of change, but HE can only be faithful. That's who he is.  I've dealt with some anger towards God recently that I knew was misplaced and couldn't make sense based on who he is. But I was angry none the less, and couldn't trust his goodness for a time.  I was trying to explain it to Doug and I said, "I'm so mad at God and I know that's ridiculous, I know that he has a plan and it's good, but I can't wrap my mind around it."  I wanted so badly to stay here in Thailand, to make it work, no matter what.  I was so committed to the dream, the goal, and I felt like God gave up on it.  If you've been reading along with us, you know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that God never needed us here, but chose to allow us to serve for the time we had and I can't know what it's all been for.  In a few months, it might make sense, or maybe in a few years, maybe a few hours, or a few days.  Maybe I won't truly understand this side of heaven, but I know, because of who HE is, that at some point it will make sense. I'm trusting that, based on scripture, the character of God, and on past experience. 

How quickly we forget the mountains God moved to get us here and to keep us here, but it wasn't just for a goal I had set, it was to conform us to the image of his son.  I keep reminding myself that if we're following God, even if it makes no sense to anyone else, we can be confident that we're not taking a step back, but a step forward.  When you're walking with the Lord, you're only getting closer to the mark...the image of his son.  But I also know that making one decision, and one step of faith, will not sustain you or keep you, only God can do that. And we have a choice to live in light of that or drift back to our false sense of security that we've built for ourselves.

So I'm hanging tightly to scripture, to other times God has proven himself in my life, and to running the race, even if the course just changed dramatically and I feel so unprepared. I just need to follow right behind God, focus on him, and run.

Not sure if any of this makes any sense or if it's communicating what's on my heart, but I appreciate all of you for walking through this with us and praying.  We're praying for you too and so looking forward to seeing many of you in the coming weeks. I hope you are ready for hugs and have tissue handy. Someone in this family is crier and it ain't Doug.