Thoughts on Grieving

 

Before now my idea of grief was completely different.  Most of my experience with grief involved the loss of loved ones.  In the last 30 years I've grieved the loss of many loved ones and each experience has been unique. When you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you usually aren't going through it alone, and regardless of the circumstances, typically, people are sympathetic and willing to offer help as needed.  Every time I've grieved, I've grieved in a group, except one other time.

Many of you know we lost a baby before we had Kees.  When I grieved that loss, in many ways I grieved alone. No one else knew or loved that baby the way I did.  No one else had daydreamed for hours about what he/she would look like and what he/she would be come.  When the first day of kindergarten would be and when graduation would come.  When my baby died, my sense of hope wavered, but when I ran out of ME, God took over.  He surrounded me with his loving arms, calmed my spirit and gave me peace and hope.  The hope I clung to was Jesus Christ himself and the hope of being with him in eternity, seeing my child again, knowing that my baby was being cared for by the Redeemer himself.  About 3 seconds later, I was stirred by the fact that many don't have that hope. I still had many days of grieving and it took some time.  There was so much uncertainty about what would come.  Would I ever be mom, would I ever hold a baby in my arms?  I didn't know, but I knew who did, and I trusted Him.

There were so many things I didn't know, I didn't know why it was happening, why it was happening now, and why it was happening to me. But I had to keep trusting God that he wasn't surprised, he was in control, he allowed it to happen, and he would make good come out of it, even if I couldn't see it for myself.

That's where I'm at right now.  I'm grieving. In the same way I planned for that child, and questioned what would be next, and felt my hope wavering.  But the same God who aided me then, is here now, just as big, just as strong, and just as loving.  I have many questions about what's next for us, but I am trusting that God's plans are higher and better than mine. Just look at my sweet miracle babies.  I know a lot of people think pregnancy and birth is a regular old run of the mill thing, but when you've lost a baby in that process, you will never look at it the same.  You cherish your children in a different way.  The next time, with the aches and pains of pregnancy, you complain less, knowing that it's worth it all, and it's not a given. Nothing is.

This morning Kees and I went to breakfast together. We are staying in a hotel that Doug's sister, my hero, booked for a visit. She transferred the dates and let us use the room. Anyway, I am emotionally and physically spent in a way I never have been before, and I'm trying desperately to focus on taking care of myself and my kids.  Kees was not a happy camper at breakfast because he never wants to be away from Kora. We had an emergency room visit last night, her ankle is sprained, so she can't walk on it.  So, just Kees and I went to breakfast and he just wanted all of us to be together.  I haven't had an appetite for days, and I feel like those terrible hollow days after a funeral, when everyone else's life is going on, but yours is at a stand still, and you're just not sure when you'll be able to breathe again.  As I walked back to our room with Kees, my chest was tightening and I was feeling short of breath.  I was looking at this beautiful golf course and wishing more than anything that my Daddy was here. That he could distract me with jokes and love on my kids.  That we could watch a silly movie or play Mario Kart. And I wish my mom was here to worry and fuss over me, she'd probably make sure I was eating. ;) But it's not time for that yet and I have to trust that God is going to carry me through this grieving process as he sees fit and know that he is good.

As we come home, know that we are wanting to answer as many questions as possible, but we are also experiencing a good deal of grief.  We know God has plans for us, and we are not planning to wallow, by any means. But we will be giving answers as to the direction we're going as soon as God makes them clear to us.  We love you all more than we can say and all the encouragement has been perfectly timed by our good God. Thank you for being receptive to him, for following his prompting and being a blessing to us.  And know that God's church here in Thailand is serving us as well, our Thai church family here has been coming to help mow our yard, bring us food, and they are already planning a send off for us.  And our NTM co-workers have been calling, emailing, praying, and listening. God's people are showing us his love, and we are so thankful for that. Just keep praying that we will only do and say what will honor and glorify God during this process.