Making amends with the jing joks

If you are on facebook or read our email updates, you may have already heard that we have resigned NTM Thailand.  I've been deciding how best to address this situation in my blog and as long as I live I think I'll always believe honesty is the best policy...so here goes, feel free to ask questions, save your stones until you've read the whole thing. ;)

Before we ever got married, we were planning to come to Thailand.  That's been the goal of our marriage and family from day one. So let me be clear, we are more surprised and shocked than anyone.  And the absolute only thing that would DRAG us away, is God himself.

And I do mean drag.  Sometimes following God isn't easy, it doesn't make sense, and it's just not at all what you were expecting.  I'm still processing all of this myself, so I will do my best to communicate how God has led us in all of this.

The basic gist of our original plan was to come to Chiang Mai, spend 2-3 years to learn central Thai, then head to a village to plant a church.  As many of you know, the dynamics of ministry have changed since we've been here.  We are now members of a foundation and set to do community projects.  As soon as we found out about projects, we immediately saw it as a way for God to open doors for us, and we prayed about how we could go about that.  There were a few open doors to learn projects and work alongside Thai believers. As time has gone on, those doors have closed for the time being.

With all this information in hand, Doug was confused about the direction God was leading and decided to devote a good chunk of time to praying about where God would have us go next.  Imagine his surprise when he felt God was leading us out of this ministry for the time being.  Imagine my surprise, and subsequent toddler baby fit.  When Doug began discussing things with me, I refused to listen, I didn't quite put my fingers in my ears and sing "la la la la", but it was almost that bad.  I didn't want to hear it.  We've invested way too much time, and I am finally getting the language and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it has NOT, I repeat NOT been easy.  So I kept crying and telling Doug to stop bringing it up because I was absolutely positively not on board!  I told him we should just table the conversation for 6 months, then re-evaluate.  So he let it simmer, and God got to work on my heart.  I finally had to face the facts when we were "trapped" in a car for 3 1/2 hours on the 4th of July.  Doug gently explained how he felt God had led him, and I expressed how God had been leading me, but I still was NOT happy.  I repeat NOT happy.

Here are a few lies I've told myself subconsciously, mull them over and let me know if you've ever fed yourself these lines. (Notice I said subconsciously...a lot of these I know are DEAD wrong, but somewhere along the way, in the back of my mind I started believing them).

1. God needs me.
2. God's work could not go on without MY help.
3. Thailand is the goal, it HAS to be the plan for the rest of my life or nothing else makes sense.
4. I am committed to Thailand and the plans we set so long ago, no matter what.
5. If I leave here, God will never use me again, and there's nothing left for us anywhere else.
6. If we leave here, Doug married the wrong person and I kept him from doing God's plan.

God has been speaking to my heart and calming my fears and resetting my internal compass of what to cling to.  Right before we came to Thailand, I know we were clinging to HIM and he showed us that we needed to trust him through this journey. And since then, every time we have faced hard times we would pray and every time, we felt he was leading us to stay here because he still had work for us to do.  We just never thought we'd ask and his answer would lead us away.  We literally just made this decision final on July 5th, and have been taking the steps to move forward.  We are trusting that God has a plan in all of this and he is directing our path.

Our hearts have not changed. We are still burdened and passionate about those who don't know God.  We are seeking to serve in a different capacity for the time being, but we still want to be a part of that work.  We feel God has closed this chapter of our lives, but I will NEVER stop praying that God has another chapter for us here in Thailand.  His answer may always be no, and I may not understand this side of heaven why that is, but I still must trust and obey.  "I choose to follow, I choose to let HIM lead." ( I think that's in a song, but that's all I can remember right this second.)

I've been listening to the song "You are God Alone" on repeat today, and asking God to forgive my stubbornness and thanking him for his patience and loving kindness.  You can listen to it here. 

You are not a God
Created by human hands
You are not a God
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a God
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, that's just the way it is

[chorus]
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
You are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And that's just the way it is

[chorus]

[bridge]
Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
That's what You are

I think what stands out to me right now, is that "God is not dependent on any mortal man, and he is not in need of anything we can give". And I am clinging to the truth at the end, He is..."Unchangeable, Unshakable, Unstoppable"  It's nice to know something in my life is stable, secure, and solid.  My circumstances are pure chaos, sorting things to sell and making sense of it all, but God is good, steady, and sure.

I am going to continue to blog through this process.  Good days and bad, and I hope you will join us in praying for the lost here in Thailand. God is not unaware of the situation, he has a plan for Thailand, and we are thankful to know many Thai believers who are earnestly seeking HIM. God has raised up a body of believers here, he is providing for them and guiding their steps.  We are thankful to have spent time with them, learned from them, and served alongside them. We are thankful God used us to share the book "By This Name" with them, and from everything they've told us, it's been eye opening and life changing.  Isn't God good?!? And my new friend Christy has already offered to take over the baking class, so Thailand will not be without sweet treats, you'll be glad to know!

 

I just want to re-iterate how hard this transition is for me right now, I am trying to prepare our stuff to leave and I keep running into jing joks (lizards), but I feel the need to be nice to them all of a sudden.  I might be going crazy, I was trying to talk to one of them and help him find a place to hide and let him know I wasn't going to hurt him. This grieving process is making me do very strange things.

Please be in prayer with us as we seek God's next step.  We will keep you posted and be more than happy to answer any questions you may have.