And then there's "good-bye"

Day 61:

The last friend day with Alicia. :(

Our hotel did not include breakfast this time, but there was a jacuzzi tub, so I think that cancels itself out.  So we walked down the road for breakfast. Doug was already back at his conference so it was just Alicia, myself and the kiddos. We found a place that served American breakfast.  Alica ordered a Monte Cristo and I had an omelet, bacan, toast and coffee.  Kees got peanut butter toast!  He loved it!
 

Kora was quite energetic and a little difficult to say the least.  She is such a fighter and so stubborn.  If she doesn't want to sit, she will let you know it and she won't let up until you walk her around or find a way to distract her.  I often wonder why I even bother going in public.  So I was hot and flustered and I kind of felt like I was ruining the ambience for Alicia, but she was very gracious about it, as always. :)

Once they brought all our food out, Kora and I struck up a conversation with the lady who cooked our food.  She was happy to entertain Kora and I was happy to eat in peace. I scarfed my food down as fast as humanly possible because I never know when Kora will be handed back over.  So I have to make good use of my time.  Kora picked flowers, played the guitar, tried to drag the guitar to the street and the cook lady had to follow her out the front door, then she looked at some magazines and books.
 

 
We walked back to the hotel and I sort of caught up on the blog from the previous day and checked out of the hotel right at 12.
 
 
 
 
 
 
We headed to the mall because Alicia needed to cancel her internet and pay her bill and we had movie tickets for 4:30. It was also Alicia's last Thai food in Thailand and the mall has EVERYTHING!  She had moo satay, sticky rice and mango and Thai tea. Fabulous choices!  We also met up with Alicia's friend from her home town. Her and her husband have been in Thailand for a few months now and Alicia wanted to introduce us so we could get to know each other. They are going to pick me up and take me to my church on Sunday since Doug is out of town.  Looking forward to having the kids play together, they have a 2 year old little boy.

 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Then we went to the movie and watched the Fast and the Furious 6.  In Thailand, they play the King's song before the movie starts, but it's usually after all the previews.  Everyone stands up for the song and it's very important, you absolutely would not stay seated for this, it's extremely disrespectful. Both of my kids were on my lap and they were both asleep before the song. Yikes!  I had to stand up holding Kora and Kees...who sleeps through EVERYTHING, stayed asleep in the seat.  He missed the entire movie, Kora caught the last 20 minutes. When Kees woke up, he was very upset that he had missed all the cars racing.  Whoops!

 
The plan was to go back to my place for Alicia to re-arrange her luggage and get ready to go catch her flight.  When we got home Doug was hiding, no lurking in our school room and scared the fire out of me.  If I had drank much more, there would have been a wet seat on the driver's side.  I yelled at him and threw my keys at him.  I was so mad. Then we went to go in the house, Doug assumed I had the keys, but I didn't, so wouldn't you know, we were locked out!  We have a cleaning lady from our church that comes and cleans on Thursday.  She irons our clothes, something I don't do.  Anyway, we only have one key to the padlock, and you have to use the key to lock it.  I found a combination lock and showed her how to put in on before we left, but I guess she misunderstood.  Doug's phone was dead and I was FRANTIC.  I had been emotional all day and teary, trying my very best not to mope or ruin my last friend day. This was the final straw and I blew it, big time.  I was crying and turning over everything on our porch hoping she had left the key somewhere. Doug's phone had died and he had no charger, so I had to track down the charger in my suitcase.  There are so many things to be thankful for, but I couldn't think of them right in that moment. For one thing, the school room was open, for another, we have electrical outlets outside our house, and the charger wasn't IN the house, it was with us.  Doug charged his phone, tracked down our cleaning lady, we call her grandma, she's so sweet to our kids. And then he went and picked up the key, all took less than 30 minutes, but I felt just awful.  Like I ruined Alicia's perfect last day because I can plan for every contingency and not only that, I way overreacted. Again, she was so gracious.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
After she left last night, I just kept thinking, why did she even want to be my friend.  I'm so scatter brained and almost every time we hang out my kids are all over the place.  She's been such a good friend to me and I can't help but think I let her down so many times. When she came back here I wanted more than anything to make things right for her and I failed.  But the truth is, she's the best kind of friend.  She has seen me at my very worst, more than once, and she still wants to be my friend and CHOOSES to see the best in me.  And that's all I could have ever asked for, such graciousness and love.  I have never once felt judged by her.  I always felt like she understood exactly where I was coming from and knew I was trying my best. God answered my prayers in such a HUGE way when he put Alicia in my life.  I hope I never take that for granted.

I cried many many times last night. Right after she turned that last corner, on my way to truck, on the way home, and even more after everyone else was alseep.  I couldn't fall alseep, but I knew if I blogged, I'd paint a very negative picture and I didn't want to let my feelings completely take over, even though they kind of were anyway.  I took a hot shower, but the tears kept coming.  I wandered around my house, but everything reminded me of her and all our traditions and outings together.  I didn't want to stay up, so I wouldn't let myself sit down, I just wandered around.  Then I dug really deep and told myself I HAD to find a way to calm down and get some rest. Doug left at 5 this morning, so I'm the only adult responsible for my kids for the next few days.  I don't have time to have a melt down, I have to sleep so I can take care of my kids.  So I wrote a few emails and a little after 1 a.m., I finally fell asleep.  When I woke up this morning a lot of the sting had subsided and I'm settling in to my new reality.

I wish I could somehow describe the hurt I feel and why it's so difficult. Being away from home and all your family puts you in a very high stress situation.  We've seen so many people go home.  I've been to that airport and said "good-bye" far more times than I would have liked. Each "good-bye" reminds me of all the ones before, and re-emphasizes my bouts of loneliness.  But no matter what, I have a friend.  I have God. As I was crying last night, I told Kees, "Mommy's just really sad right now because Alicia was my best friend and mommies really like having a friend to talk to, but you know what, we can always talk to God, and he's the best friend we could ever have."  I hope he learns that lesson sooner and better than I have. It's hard not to close yourself off to people after a hard good-bye in a string of good-byes. It's emotionally draining.  I kept thinking last night, "It's better to have had a great friend for 8 months, than to never have had one."  It didn't make me feel better, but I'm hoping in the coming days it will.

Okay, sorry, this is a big fat bawl baby post, but this blog is a place for me to process through things.  A place for me to feel like, in some small way, my voice is being heard.  It's mostly for me.  For me to keep track of my days and make sense of things.  So bear with me when I hit these hard times, I'll be back to my sarcastic humorous self in no time. Thanks for reading and doing life with me, it encourages me more than you know!