A Place to Call Our Own

I've written about this before, so it's not new information. But it's what God's been teaching me and reminding me of lately.

We left America to come to Thailand. We prepared for that big move for years.  Literally years. We had so much stuff it wasn't even funny.  In many ways getting rid of stuff is so freeing.  All the trappings tie you down.  It was closing a chapter of our lives, embarking on a new journey.

I remember landing in Chiang Mai, and being overwhelmed by God's goodness.  We had many people who never thought we'd get here. The economy was terrible, our support was too low, we'd never survive with out our family and support system.  But God came through time and time again. HE did it, we were able to ride along with HIM.

The first year I spent a lot of time reflecting on a couple of things: what is home and who am I? 

Before we left America I had this idea that we'd take a magnet around with us everywhere we went, even if it was just to a hotel, it was from one of those magnetic poem sets. It was the word: "home".  And I figured, I'd just tell our kids that "home is wherever we are all together".  I lost the magnet, stupid ADHD, but it was a nice thought, right?

My idea of "home" has changed even more. Being away from family was nearly unmanageable at times, but over the last year, Thailand became so comfortable and so normal to me. It became home.  That's good in some ways, but it's also bad.  Home should be wherever we are together with God.  It's not a geographical location, and the bible talks about this world not being our home.  If we are too comfortable here, we're not living in light of eternity.  Everything within us fights to feel at home, whether that be with people or living a certain type of life style.  But the spirit of God within us, would have us fight against that. We should be going out of our comfort zone, we should be giving more, loving more, and never settling in. 

Selling all our stuff and moving again, in the other direction, is stressful, but also freeing. I'm reflecting a lot on how I can avoid the trap of being comfortable and seeking to fit in.  The only opinion that matters is God's, not anyone else's.  I'd say I'm a recovering people-pleaser, but that's not even true.  I'm a people-pleaser every. single. day.  I have to fight against that, but I'm not alone, I just need to cling to Christ and make decisions based on eternity, by walking in the spirit.

Right now it would be so tempting for me to leave this comfort zone and just build a new one. It might take a while, because frankly I'm not looking forward to re-adjusting to America.  I could just set up another house, and settle in to life.  But, I don't belong there, my time here has changed me, what God has revealed to me during this time can't be unseen.

What does home mean to you? What's the one thing, that if you lost it now, you're not sure if you'd be able to go on living?  Our answer should be Jesus Christ, not that you can lose him, but if we're passionate about what we say we are and we love him the way we say we do, that should be home or safe place, our sense of security.  I'm clinging to that right now.  I read somewhere recently that we often get so busy doing the Lord's work that we forget the Lord of the work. I pray it would never be so, but I know too often it is.

Today I am thankful that he is faithful, even when we aren't. He is steady. He is good. His word teaches us about who he is, and our experiences have done nothing but fall in line with his word. There's no reason to doubt him now, he's still God, and he's still good.

(Okay, I realize I only addressed one of the two, so I'll have to get to the other one another time. Love you all!)

The Final Count Down

Day 120 (Monday):
 The final count down. We leave Thailand on Saturday, so every day from here on out is our last. Today was the last Monday.  Saturday and Sunday were filled with emotional good-byes. Today, was the final push to finish things up at our house.  We left after breakfast and neither of us felt motivated, energetic, or very good, but we knew we needed to get it done. First, we walked through the house and bagged up everything we knew we'd be giving away.  We donated stuff to our church for future garage sales or whatever they might need it for.  It was actually a real blessing that they have been so willing to take the stuff off our hands. :) After we got all of the excess stuff bagged and set aside, then came the tricky part, packing and weighing the stuff we want to take back to America.  It was especially difficult since the battery for our scale had died. Our luggage is quite big, so big in fact that it covers the the part that shows the weight, so a regular scale won't work. We have to use the digital one because it saves the number for when we pick the luggage back up to take it off.  It was a little after 11, so we decided to deliver a few things to one of our friend's house, buy a battery, and pick up some sunscreen. It's ironic because I had about 5 bottles of sunscreen, but one of the times people were hauling stuff off before I had I really gone through it, the sunscreen got hauled off in the mix.

On our way to the truck.

This van says "In God We Trust; United States of America"...I wonder who their target clientele is?

Still enjoying Kora not having a car seat, that makes one of us.

Love his messy hair and dirt smudged cheek.

Doug went into Tesco to get us drinks and I saw a family that had a baby in a stroller in a side car attached to their motorbike.  I love Thailand.

Looking out the window.

It's a miracle. It's been about 2 months since our neighborhood lady has had coconut water. I had Doug buy 12 bags.  I love Thailand.

He put himself in jail, he told me so.

Lunch was at 12:30, we took a little break after and then went swimming. They have tiny ice cream cones here and I let Kora have one too. She was excited about that.

Lunch: Cow Soy (Doug will make fun of my spelling on this, but whatever...)

The kids have trouble focusing on eating because the play area is so inviting.

On our way to swim.

Kees kicks his shoes off like a donkey.

Pool side.

Big smile.  She's so independent. She didn't want to sit by me because she wanted to sit on one of these all by herself.

I got my own ice cream cone!

Kees always wears his shoes on the wrong feet. He likes them like that, if they're not bothering him, I say, why not?

Yum.

This is cold and squishy.

I own this place.

After cleaning her up in the pool bathroom sink, she found a shower. It was the highlight of her day.

She wanted to keep this ball.

I told her we had to leave it because it wasn't ours, so she dropped it and kept walking.

Kora took a small nap, then it was dinner time. After dinner, we rested for about an hour, then went back over to the house.  Doug really didn't want to go back, but I knew I would sleep better from here on out if we got it all done. So he humored me and we finished!  Now we just have last minutes errands to run and bills to pay. 

On our way to dinner.

Chicken pot pie, my first reaction was to puke inside my mouth. I hate savory foods in pie crusts, it offends me. My mom used to torture me by combining hamburger meat, green beans, and tomatoes into a pie crust. It's called hamburger pie.  In elementary school it was often included in my creative writing, at least once I used one of my three wishes...if I had them, to remove it from existence.  All that to say, this was actually yummy, I'm a real adult...it's so sad. I ate it, peas and all.

I'm still waking up in the middle of the night and surprised that this is all really happening.  But I already feel so much more at peace, God has given me a feeling of calm and I know that it has a lot to do with all the prayers you all have been praying. They have been felt and I could not be more thankful!  Love you all!

Day 121 (Tuesday):

Today Doug had to meet with our landlord to finish things up with him and make sure we are leaving him with enough money to pay any bills that may come in the next few weeks. They also went to take care of the internet.  While he was gone, I showered the kids and took them to the playground.  Having Kora makes parenting a lot more challenging. She does not stay interested in one thing for very long, so we didn't stay as long as Kees and I would have liked.

Heading to the playground.

She did not want to hold Kees's hand.

She liked climbing up the slide.

She was careful for about 3 seconds.

She wasn't sure about how to go down this slide.

Look!

She wanted to help Kees.

Yay!

Sweet baby girl

She's signing "all done". And Kees is "all done" any time Kora is all done because he feels they should never be separated, I'm guessing that doesn't last.

Checking out the waterfall.

He stayed on this swing for a long time, I pushed him between chasing Kora all around the place.

Kees asked about 17 questions in regards to this water fall, when I said I didn't know, he figured it out on his own and explained it all to me.

Hmmm...

Gazebo

Looking for our place. We had hung his swim shorts to dry out front and we were looking for our number.

Here it is!

Doug got back just in time to go to lunch. And he brought back a floatie ring for the pool!!

She's quick.

The kids watched shows for a while and then I took them to the pool while Doug decompressed.

This was a close as I could get to sensory deprivation.

Getting into my purse.

She found a couple things.

Kees put these on and told me he was looking at my bones.  They must be x-ray goggles.

Moving internationally is quite stressful, especially with two little ones to think about. First Doug told me he wished he could just take horse tranquilizers and wake up on the day we leave. Then he told me he really wished we had a sensory deprivation tank he could go into.  I laughed. Because if they ever invented a sensory overload tank it could easily be named after Kora.  There's just no way your gonna get an calm with her around....we'll sleep when we're dead Douglas!

Thoughts on Love

I'm reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  As I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep I was struck with how small our concept of love is compared to God's love.  We really can't even love, we're too selfish, too sinful. The only way we can truly love sacrificially and prefer others is through Christ.  I love Doug and I love my kids, but I'm still selfish. I still grumble about them being messy and me having to pick up after them. Or I complain about never getting a break. If I truly loved like God loves I would find joy in serving them and want to do more and be more for them. 
 
In a sense, the only love we know, in our flesh, is a self serving kind. We love because we want to be loved and we want others to share experiences with.  I'm so self centered and it makes me sick to think about.  To truly love others and be a blessing, we must first love God, passionately, completely, and with reckless abandon.  When we love him, He enables us to love the way He loves.  It's all in our relationship with our father God. 

What's the first thing you do in the morning, or before you fall asleep at night?  When you're going about your day, how often do you think of God and wish you could spend more time with him? When was the last time you lost track of time talking to him?  I'm challenging my own thinking, how can I love him more, how can I stick close by his side.  I'm starting with prayer.  I know that I've failed, so many times, but I also know he is faithful and he will never stop wanting me around.  We can get to know this God we claim to love by reading his word, by allowing the holy spirit to move and work in our lives.

While we've been going through some choppy waters lately, I've clung to God in a new way.  And I have nothing but good things to say about how faithful and good He is. You know what's crazy, I have done nothing to deserve it.  I'm reminded of so many scriptures and songs about how we are..."prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave this God I love..." or "no one seeks God, we all have gone astray" 

We are so unfaithful, so easily swayed by the winds of change, but HE can only be faithful. That's who he is.  I've dealt with some anger towards God recently that I knew was misplaced and couldn't make sense based on who he is. But I was angry none the less, and couldn't trust his goodness for a time.  I was trying to explain it to Doug and I said, "I'm so mad at God and I know that's ridiculous, I know that he has a plan and it's good, but I can't wrap my mind around it."  I wanted so badly to stay here in Thailand, to make it work, no matter what.  I was so committed to the dream, the goal, and I felt like God gave up on it.  If you've been reading along with us, you know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that God never needed us here, but chose to allow us to serve for the time we had and I can't know what it's all been for.  In a few months, it might make sense, or maybe in a few years, maybe a few hours, or a few days.  Maybe I won't truly understand this side of heaven, but I know, because of who HE is, that at some point it will make sense. I'm trusting that, based on scripture, the character of God, and on past experience. 

How quickly we forget the mountains God moved to get us here and to keep us here, but it wasn't just for a goal I had set, it was to conform us to the image of his son.  I keep reminding myself that if we're following God, even if it makes no sense to anyone else, we can be confident that we're not taking a step back, but a step forward.  When you're walking with the Lord, you're only getting closer to the mark...the image of his son.  But I also know that making one decision, and one step of faith, will not sustain you or keep you, only God can do that. And we have a choice to live in light of that or drift back to our false sense of security that we've built for ourselves.

So I'm hanging tightly to scripture, to other times God has proven himself in my life, and to running the race, even if the course just changed dramatically and I feel so unprepared. I just need to follow right behind God, focus on him, and run.

Not sure if any of this makes any sense or if it's communicating what's on my heart, but I appreciate all of you for walking through this with us and praying.  We're praying for you too and so looking forward to seeing many of you in the coming weeks. I hope you are ready for hugs and have tissue handy. Someone in this family is crier and it ain't Doug.

Then Along Came a Spider

Day 118 (Saturday):
 The yard sale!  Doug took one for the team. He said it was nice to visit with our co-workers, but people wanted to haggle on pricing and most of the stuff was marked really low to begin with.  And of course it was hot. I stayed back at the retreat center with the kids.  We all went to breakfast together. I had to turn our clothes in to be washed. They have a lot of cool systems here, my sister would love all the instructions and organization they have. They gave us a tupperware type container with safety pins in it. Each pin has our room number in it. So I took all our dirty clothes, put the pins in them, then carried the basket and Kora down the stairs.  I also had to fill out our passport information for the retreat center to have on file.  I got both the kids going on breakfast and spent 15 whole minutes figuring out paperwork.  I'm an idiot when it comes to forms.  In those 15 minutes, they both got finished and wanted to go play.  I turned in my paper and got breakfast for myself.  I took about 4 bites, then Kees came back to tell me he had to go to the bathroom number two. So I scarfed down breakfast, grabbed Kora's discarded smooshy banana for the road. And came back to our room.

Pass the Pigs

Puzzle game

Ipad.

Empty cup

Doug got back around 11, took Kees outside to play and Kora took a nap. We all went to lunch, and then Doug stayed in the play area with the kids, so I could have a few quiet minutes to myself.  We left around 4:30 to pick up some food for the fellowship at our foundation's conference.  We got lost on the way and ended up being about 40 minutes late.  We just laughed, we've gotten lost so many times in Thailand and it just wouldn't have made sense for us not to get lost at least one more time.

She took a nice long nap.

Kees wanted to make sure we locked the gate so no one got into our room while we were at lunch.

We build a house, then we built a barn.

Knocking it over is pretty fun too.

Still not walking a ton, but she hasn't let it slow her down too much.

For building the barn, Kees had me move the slide over, so he could slide them down the slide, then I could use them to build with.

Kora wants to help

He knocked it over with her in it.

She got this far and then she didn't know what to do.

Daddy had to read her a fun story to distract her so I could sneak out.

Looking out the window.

We can't decide if she is more like a cat or a dog.  Climbing on the keyboard...1 point for cat.

That's a lot of edamame.

Why do we always get lost?!?

Looking at the truck in front of us. We sold her carseat already, so I am forced to wrestle her every time we go anywhere, NOT cool!  Cannot wait to get her back in a carseat.

Mountain.

Sleeping is good.  Do more of that.

The fellowship was celebrating 3 graduates and 1 birth.  This cake was amazing!

Meandering.

Kees chasing Aunt Amanda (she's my Thai sister, she's not Thai or my sister, but she's like my sister in Thailand)

We got home late, skyped with Gramee and Grampa, then went to bed.


Day 119 (Sunday):

One really cool thing about staying at the Juniper Tree, the retreat center we're at till we leave, is all the missionaries from all over the world. They have family style meals and they re-arrange the seating so you meet new people at every meal. I met a Dutch couple yesterday who is serving in Indonesia. This morning I spent nearly two hours talking with an American missionary who's family has been serving in Japan for 17 years.  It was such a blessing, we prayed together before I had to leave to go to church. They'll be here all week, so I'm hoping to get to hang out with their family some more.  I love being a part of the body of Christ. We have family everywhere!

Today was also our last Sunday with our Thai church.  They had a special meal for us, Isaan food.

Playing with our Lonpos, or whatever they're called.

No joke, I wasted 30 minutes of my life trying to put this together the other day when Doug was at the garage sale.  Couldn't do it. Doug got back and did it on his second try, in like 2 minutes.  So I took a picture of one way it goes together, so when I get stuck I can cheat. Otherwise the lid won't shut!

Working together.

Our last service. Gonna miss everyone so much.

This girl loves a ball.

These are the moments.

Silly babies

Dancing to the music.

Last offering.

We saw this spider in the bathroom

This is Granmda, she made Isaan food for our last day, it was yummy chicken and pork, sticky rice, and papaya salad (som tam), they even made some with cucumbers. They kept bringing over tons of food for us.  We were stuffed to the brim!

Kora playing in the rocks.

Kora has been cuddling and hugging these fans.

Watching Pocoyo in various languages: English, French, Spanish...and who knows what else.

Kees drank his weight in juice and milk, so he's not hungry for dinner.  He loves playing in this pack n play, it's so safe in there.

Kora loves to eat chicken!

This is her real smile...

This is her saying "cheese", so cute!

Stay outta my way, I'm eatin!

I am so exhausted right now, it's not even funny. After church Doug brought me and the kids back to the retreat center, while he took our Thai church friends to peruse the stuff we have left at our house.  Kora only took a 30 minute nap, so sad.