I feel like I need to make up for lost time since I haven't been blogging. So I thought I would share some thoughts on our new parenthood. I always swore I was NOT going to have kids. I had an extensive list of reasons why I wasn't even going to go there. Once we decided, and I mean I finally agreed to have kids, I was ALL on board.
In April of 2008, we found out we were expecting. I could not even describe to you how excited we were. I couldn't wait to tell everyone and I didn't wait. I immediately became super careful about every little thing. I got rid of all the sugar in my house and wouldn't even eat white bread. I made a "new" diet plan following the book What to Expect When You're Expecting. It was such an exciting time. I planned everything out for that little one. I knew what year he/she would start kindergarten and graduate high school. That little one was my first chance to experience a mother's love.
Unfortunately only 3 short weeks after we found out we were pregnant we experienced the most gut wrenching horrible time of our lives. We had a miscarriage on May 9, 2008...the Friday before Mother's Day. My Papaw had died only 5 months before and I was still going through a lot of emotion over that loss. It was such a growing experience for me. I had prayed as soon as I found out I was pregnant and told God that whatever happened good or bad I was still His. No matter what.
When the miscarriage was only a "threatened" miscarriage, I prayed that God would help me through it and make the miscarriage come fast if it was going to come. He showed me grace and I only had to be in limbo for a day and a half. Some miscarriages are "threatened" for much longer. I cannot imagine how anyone could survive that kind of agony and uncertainty for an extended period of time. When we went to the doctor, he was very matter of fact and acted as though my baby wasn't even human, just some tissue my body had expelled. That was hard, but in all of this God showed me his love, mercy, grace, and never ending steadfast commitment and devotion to me.
This was the first time I have ever truly felt alone. I felt like NO ONE could ever understand my sorrow. I felt like hope had been stolen from me. I felt like I would never have anything to look forward to again. And to top it off, Mother's Day was looming. Mother's day came and I was so empty. There was no baby growing inside of me anymore. Why? What did I do to deserve this?
Let me just tell you that my pity party was pretty short lived. God's pretty amazing that way. He can pull you out of a never ending abyss and show you just how blessed you truly are! I began thinking about my love for my child and how much God loves his perfect son. But he loves me enough to let that son die in my place. Not only that, but here I was feeling as though hope had died with my child, but God has given us the perfect hope of eternity through his son! I began to hold on to that hope because I will see Jesus one day! I will see my baby one day!
My cousin Kandalynn recently posted a "blog" of sorts on her facebook about the song Blessed Be Your Name and how it has helped her get through some hard times. I have played that song over and over again over the past year! One line of the song says, "You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name". The song is talking about how we should bless his name in good times and bad! God gives good things and some times things get taken away, but it is our CHOICE to still bless his name. I learned so many things and I wish I could share them all, but some of it is simply indescribable.
My next pregnancy was filled with mixed emotions. This time I didn't hold on too tightly. I was extremely apprehensive. I was fearful of becoming attached this time. I refused to get excited or share our news until we got through the first trimester, even then I was often worried that something would go wrong. I just knew they would do an ultrasound and there wouldn't be a heartbeat. I was almost depressed. Like it just couldn't work out. I wish I had leaned on God more during this time, but I was almost fearful of that too. I withdrew from some friendships and became somewhat antisocial. I didn't want to be cheerful. I didn't want to jinx it. I tried to cut off all feelings. I didn't want to talk about it! But even when I am not faithful...God is! He continued to pursue me and show me how he cared for me. The further along I got in the pregnancy the more I could breathe again. There were difficult and uncertain times, but we made it!
On May 3, 2009 at 2:20 in the afternoon, we received the ultimate gift from God. Kees Daron Tomlinson entered the world weighing 8 lbs 6 oz! He was 20 1/2 inches long. And one week later I was able to take my new pride and joy to hear his grandpa preach on Mother's Day. What a year! One Mother's day was filled with grief and sorrow. The very next Mother's Day I was holding my one week old son. God is so good. Kees could never replace my first little one. Having him doesn't erase what happened and I wouldn't want that. God has taught me so much! Let me just tell you that no matter how hopeless you feel, there is always hope! If you are a Christian you have the hope of eternity. We will see our loved ones again! I will get to see my Papaw and Uncle Mike...(I like to think they are fighting over who gets to hold my baby!) But most importantly we will get to see Him face to face and spend eternity in the presence of an almighty, loving, merciful, gracious, and faithful Savior.
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